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The Passive- Aggressive Style
This style of communication combines the desire to avoid face-to-face interaction (passive) with the desire to "win" and control the outcome to get one's own way (aggressive). It is usually done behind the other person's back and is seen primarily as deceitful and dishonest. This communication is almost always done "undercover" and secretively with an intent to manipulate people or teach them a lesson. It is damaging and dangerous because it destroys the team environment and the trust and respect needed to facilitate assertive communication.
The person who uses passive-aggressive communication/behavior incorporates some or all of these tactics:
- May not offer ideas or opinions in order to control or hide information
- May tattle or gossip about others
- May seem supportive on the surface but actually criticizes people and their ideas behind their backs
- Enjoys seeing others' ideas fail
- Likes to get people to take sides against another person, policy, or idea
- Is the exact opposite of the open, honest communicators that organizations need today
In Conclusion
- We can now recognize the communication styles and behaviors that we and others are using. We can also choose the style we want to use in each situation and commit to building skills for more open, honest, and assertive communication.
- Most people communicate without much forethought or planning, content to say whatever comes to mind. Unconscious communication is about "reacting" rather than about making proactive, conscious choices.
- We all need to take greater responsibility to think about the best way to demonstrate assertive communication and behavior in both our personal and professional lives.
Until next time...
Sheryl Tuchman, SPHR, SHRM-SCP
http://tools2succeed.com/
The Passive Style
This type of communicator avoids confrontation at all costs because passive people never really say what's on their mind. Passive people always put their own needs and concerns last in a desire to be liked and accepted by others. When used too often, this style makes the passive communicator become more and more frustrated because he or she ends up pleasing no one at all! Regardless of whether the cause of the passive behavior is low self-esteem, fear, or guilt, it usually makes the situation worse than it already is. The person who initially seems so willing and accommodating turns out to be withdrawn and overwhelmed, often unable to keep those commitments that are so easily made.
The person who uses passive communication and behavior incorporates some or all of these tactics:
- Allows others to take advantage of him or her
- Sometimes produces rushed, inaccurate, or late results due to taking on too much
- Agrees to all requests and demands, even unreasonable ones, rather than saying "no"
- Becomes overwhelmed and tired; cannot fulfill even basic commitments
- Doesn't complain out loud, but may be angry or hurt underneath
- May ultimately "blow up" after taking abuse from others for a period of time
- Loses others' trust because of lack of follow-through
- Hides the truth, which is often perceived by others as dishonest or lying behavior
- Tries to please everyone, even at his or her own expense
- Feels guilty getting his or her own needs met
- Annoys others by giving vague, noncommittal responses
Until next time...
Sheryl Tuchman, SPHR, SHRM-SCP
http://tools2succeed.com/
The Aggressive Style
This type of communication holds nothing back – usually at the other person's expense. The feelings of others are discounted or disregarded, and the interaction is not characterized by respect. The aggressive person gets his or her needs met by controlling others, dominating the situation, and manipulating others. Aggressors literally say or do anything to get their own way, and it doesn't matter who gets hurt. The aggressive style is used because it works! Others give in or give up. However, the bottom line is that any relationship based on fear, control, or guilt will never be successful or healthy in the long-run.
There are 2 basic patterns to aggressive communication, both of which involve manipulating others. The 2 most manipulative emotions are hurt and anger. These 2 emotions are not always manipulative in every situation. Sometimes, they are a normal part of everyday life. We can experience hurt when we feel pain, sorrow, and suffering. We can also experience and show anger when we believe we have been mistreated, taken advantage of, or betrayed. However, when we use these emotions to manipulate another person to get our own needs met, we cross the line between experiencing justified emotions and using these emotions to manipulate others.
When someone is using hurt to manipulate, the goal is to make others feel guilty. Someone who manipulates using hurt often incorporates some or all of these tactics:
- Whines that life is not fair
- Complains without initiating or accepting solutions
- Gripes that other people are "lucky"
- Dwells on the past instead of living in the present
- Blames others for mistakes; often says, "It's not my fault"
- Gets feelings hurt easily
- Needs constant approval and recognition
- Has numerous physical "ailments" that get in the way of doing the job
Until next time...
Sheryl Tuchman, SPHR, SHRM-SCP
http://tools2succeed.com/
The Assertive Style
This type of communication relies on honesty, openness, a sense of responsibility for positive outcome, and the desire to build trust between the people involved. It takes a strong commitment and willingness to say what we mean in a positive, nonthreatening way. Sometimes, we are tempted to give into pettiness and gameplaying, but if we resist and are determined to be assertive, people will get a strong sense that they are being told the truth in a fair and tactful way.
The person who uses assertive communication and behavior incorporates some or all of the following:
- Uses an "I" message to take responsibility for the issues
- States opinions respectfully, acknowledging that the other person may see things differently
- Listens attentively without bias, prejudgment, or counterattacks
- Uses good eye contact
- Uses positive body language
- Earns respect from others
- Does not allow others to take advantage
- Follows through: others note that the assertive person always means what he or she says and will do what is promised
Until next time...
Sheryl Tuchman, SPHR, SHRM-SCP
http://tools2succeed.com/
Employers and employees alike share a common complaint – the need for better communication in their organizations.
- Good communication can only thrive in the right climate – one that nourishes rather than stifles.
- The secret to any type of communication is trust. We must communicate honestly. Good communication is about feeling good about ourselves.
Styles of Communication
- To build a climate of trust and keep relationships strong and healthy, both parties must commit to being direct with one another. All forms of manipulation, threats, gossip, tattling, intimidation, and behind-the-back game playing must be eliminated in order for trusting relationships to exist.
- There are 4 styles of communication. Each time we communicate in any way, we choose one of these styles. Often, employees say, "I don't consciously decide how to communicate – I just do it." Unfortunately, most people have not been taught the basic skills of communication and are therefore unaware of the options they have. Once we learn about these styles, we will be more in control of what we say and how we react.
- The 4 styles are:
- Assertive: straightforward, honest, caring, reliable
- Aggressive: loud, angry, attacking, whining, guilt-inducing, manipulative
- Passive: timid, avoiding, tentative, nonresponsive, frightened
- Passive/Aggressive: guilt-inducing, dishonest, underhanded, sniping, devious
