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The Aggressive Style
This type of communication holds nothing back – usually at the other person's expense. The feelings of others are discounted or disregarded, and the interaction is not characterized by respect. The aggressive person gets his or her needs met by controlling others, dominating the situation, and manipulating others. Aggressors literally say or do anything to get their own way, and it doesn't matter who gets hurt. The aggressive style is used because it works! Others give in or give up. However, the bottom line is that any relationship based on fear, control, or guilt will never be successful or healthy in the long-run.
There are 2 basic patterns to aggressive communication, both of which involve manipulating others. The 2 most manipulative emotions are hurt and anger. These 2 emotions are not always manipulative in every situation. Sometimes, they are a normal part of everyday life. We can experience hurt when we feel pain, sorrow, and suffering. We can also experience and show anger when we believe we have been mistreated, taken advantage of, or betrayed. However, when we use these emotions to manipulate another person to get our own needs met, we cross the line between experiencing justified emotions and using these emotions to manipulate others.
When someone is using hurt to manipulate, the goal is to make others feel guilty. Someone who manipulates using hurt often incorporates some or all of these tactics:
- Whines that life is not fair
- Complains without initiating or accepting solutions
- Gripes that other people are "lucky"
- Dwells on the past instead of living in the present
- Blames others for mistakes; often says, "It's not my fault"
- Gets feelings hurt easily
- Needs constant approval and recognition
- Has numerous physical "ailments" that get in the way of doing the job
Until next time...
Sheryl Tuchman, SPHR, SHRM-SCP
http://tools2succeed.com/
Employers and employees alike share a common complaint – the need for better communication in their organizations.
- Good communication can only thrive in the right climate – one that nourishes rather than stifles.
- The secret to any type of communication is trust. We must communicate honestly. Good communication is about feeling good about ourselves.
Styles of Communication
- To build a climate of trust and keep relationships strong and healthy, both parties must commit to being direct with one another. All forms of manipulation, threats, gossip, tattling, intimidation, and behind-the-back game playing must be eliminated in order for trusting relationships to exist.
- There are 4 styles of communication. Each time we communicate in any way, we choose one of these styles. Often, employees say, "I don't consciously decide how to communicate – I just do it." Unfortunately, most people have not been taught the basic skills of communication and are therefore unaware of the options they have. Once we learn about these styles, we will be more in control of what we say and how we react.
- The 4 styles are:
- Assertive: straightforward, honest, caring, reliable
- Aggressive: loud, angry, attacking, whining, guilt-inducing, manipulative
- Passive: timid, avoiding, tentative, nonresponsive, frightened
- Passive/Aggressive: guilt-inducing, dishonest, underhanded, sniping, devious
There are four styles of communication. Each time we communicate in any way, we choose one of these styles. Often, employees say, "I don't consciously decide how to communicate; I just do it!" Everyone has options, though. Becoming aware of these styles will allow you to be more in control of what you say and how you react.
Styles of Communication:
Assertive: Straightforward, Honest, Caring, Reliable
Aggressive: Loud, Angry, Whining, Guilt-inducing, Manipulative
Passive: Timid, Avoiding, Tentative, Non-responsive, Frightened
Passive-Aggressive: Guilt-inducing, Dishonest, Sniping, Devious
Your goal is to use assertive communication as much of the time as possible. Use an "I" message to take responsibility for the issues ("I feel..."). State your opinions respectfully, acknowledging that the other person may see the situation differently. Listen attentively, without bias, pre-judgment, or counterattacks. Most importantly, follow through. Others know that the assertive person always means what he/she says and will do what is promised.
It takes a strong commitment and willingness to say what you mean in a positive, non-threatening way. Sometimes we are tempted to give in to pettiness and game playing, but if we resist and are determined to be assertive, people will get a strong sense that they are being told the truth in a fair and tactful way.
Until next time...
Sheryl Tuchman, SPHR, SHRM-SCP
http://tools2succeed.com/
